


Home is more than a house

by cloudygrey2001



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Merlin (TV)
Genre: Abusive Dursley Family, Angst, But also, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Chronic Illness, Cute Harry, EDNOS, F/M, Fluff, Hearing issues, Hermione gives no fucks, Hospitals, Insecure Harry, M/M, Nice Ron, Protective Arthur, Protective Merlin, Sarcastic Harry, Sick Harry, doctor uther, kind uther, married merlin and arthur, merlin loves to make a cup of tea, nope not a single one, will be more characters added in
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-06
Updated: 2018-09-30
Packaged: 2019-06-22 21:43:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15591330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cloudygrey2001/pseuds/cloudygrey2001
Summary: Harry is tired, more than tired. He`s tired of hiding of concealing scars, bruises and when a trip to the corner shop results in him fainting his secrets are there for the word to see. Merlin and Arthur uncover the truth and suddenly Harry is free but the strings still pull him down. And with an illness standing in his way and his past, is a family too much to ask for.Or, Harry escapes the Dursleys and Merlin and Arthur finally give him the family he deserves until something stands in their way.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, so I`ve spent all day typing this out, this idea hit me when I was scrolling through Harry Potter fanfiction and I craved a story where Merlin and Arthur raised Harry because it sounds so cute. So, I went over the top and wrote one myself, the amount of joy this has given me is actually rather sad. In this story Harry suffers from a hearing issue called tinnitus and later another issue. If these topics aren't written accurately enough please comment I`d appreciate it, I have researched them thoroughly. Anyway I hope you find this an alright piece of work and if you bother to read it thank you! Drink a cup of tea whilst your at it, as my version of Merlin is obsessed.
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer- Do I look like I own Merlin or Harry potter? No of course I don't and I don't write half as good as JK Rowling does.

"BOY" the scream echoes, as it crashes through my small cupboard and in that instance I am awake. Well, no one, not even me with my stupid hearing issues, could sleep through the whale which is Vernon Dursley If you met him, you`d understand, I truly believe he could awaken the dead. If only he could awaken my parents, but he can`t.

I shake my head attempting to rid my thoughts as I throw the cupboard door open and hobble out and that quickly turns into a run. I carefully open the kitchen door, only for my eyes to see the pig, the whale, whatever you want to call him, Vernon of course. And today he seems angry, and angrier than usual might I add.

"Breakfast boy, remember you have to earn your keep, you owe us boy, we didn't have to keep you when your stupid drunks that you call your parents got into a car crash but no my caring Petunia took you in, if it was me I would dumped you in an orphanage or left you in the car" He snarls as he throws me the pan.

I flinch back barely catching it as I carry on my eyes glazing over, I start cooking, my eyes greedily catching glimpses of a breakfast I know I will never have. Five minutes later and Dudley makes his appearance known and then the bony horse that is Petunia walks in and swats me harshly with the magazine in her hand.

"Get to it, we don't have all day, Julie is coming around in an hour and I need you to run to the shops" she says the disdain clear in her voice.

I plate the breakfast up ,ignoring the shaking in my hands that seems to be a constant and return to my cupboard to get dressed in the clothes that Petunia makes me wear when I`m allowed to go outside, which isn't rarely, but in her words I won`t look like a `scoundrel` or `set a bad impression` and then she goes on a tangent on what the neighbours would think and how I can`t ruin their reputation.

And then a ten pound note is thrusted into my hand.

"I expect a receipt, and if I see a single item that was for yourself, I`ll be telling Vernon and there will be no meals for a week, now go you, I don't have all day and rush back" She then proceeds to glare at me and push me out of the door.

Two rather large moving vans are parked straight across from us, in the house opposite. I guess Margaret sold the house, which means more gossip for Petunia about the neighbours, I`m surprised she hasn't already brought it up. I carry on walking down the street as I walk towards the nearest corner shop.

I think this is one of the only chores I don't mind, I mean at least I`m outside and not locked away. I used to want to run away, but after two attempts and five scars from Vernon`s belt, I realised it wasn't going to work. I don't have any money, and I wouldn't last on the street. I shakily open the door, as my ears burn at the ping the door sounds as I open it and then it returns to the usual ringing.

I open the list that Petunia left, which is pretty much just teabags and cakes except she wants some fancy teabags because Julie hates black tea and that's all the Dursley`s drink. So, now I have to buy some fruity herbal tea, I smile politely at the shopkeeper and the search begins. I try my hardest not to glance at the food because then I`d break Petunia`s demand and I really don't want to face Vernon`s wrath, not today, I`m far too tired. I don't really understand why I`m so fatigued, it must be the lack of food. So, I ignore the voice that tells me I've been starved for years so why has it just hit me today.

Because that's not important. I`m not important. I grab a basket and carry on searching, I place the fruit cake carefully into the basket and then look for the milk. I ignore the desire for food as I reach for the milk. And with that all that's left is the stupid herbal tea. I rush down the aisle because who knows where they keep the tea and if I'm not back in around ten to fifteen minutes then I`m so dead. And I`m not saying that as an exaggeration. Finally, I spot the tea and as I go to reach it my legs seem to stop and I buckle to the floor.

"Are you okay?" A voice asks as it swims in the ringing that my ears love to produce and after the fall, its louder than usual. And what`s odd is that I've fallen, I mean I know I'm not tall by any means, I'm the shortest in my year and the thinnest but that doesn't account for this.

A hand reaches for my body and suddenly I`m being placed in a sitting position with my head resting against shelves filled with tea. My eyes meet with the stranger who has watched my humiliating fall and helped, which baffles me intensely. He isn't the kind of man you usually see in Little Whinging, with piercing blue eyes and a lanky figure not to mention his shaggy brown hair he looks like he` s in late twenties and Little Whinging is filled with middle aged gossiping toads. Well at least that's what I`ve learnt from Petunia`s friends.

Worried eyes and click of hands sway me out of my observation.

"Should I call an ambulance, he looks disorientated, oh god I`m not cut out for this" He whispers to himself anxiously.

"Please don't call an ambulance" I croak out, I can`t imagine anything worse than an ambulance coming and poking and prodding my scars and then I`d be placed in an orphanage and I won`t even get Petunia`s bloody tea.

His eyes look me up and down before he sighs quietly, and he then stands up and I attempt to follow him only to fall backdown.

I mean for god sakes, thank you useless body. I ignore the panic of my mind, and look up only to see him typing numbers into his phone.

"Don`t" I tell him hastily, he puts his phone away.

"Are you okay? Is there a reason why you fainted? Oh god" He rambles on.

Confusion clouds me for a minute because this stranger is treating me normally, like I am worth his care and its such a change from the Dursleys that it utterly stumps me.

"I`m fine, just tired, anyway I need to carry on shopping so thank you for your help but-"

His laughing quickly interrupts me.

I flinch back slightly.

"You have fainted and you want to carry on shopping, are you sure you`re okay? I don't know if fatigue is reason for fainting, its really no fuss for me to take you to emergency room" He asks.

I shake my head almost wildly, which was the worst bloody idea because that sends the ringing in my ears crazy and the dizziness.

"No hospitals, I`m okay, just really very tired but thanks" and with that a hand is thrusted towards me which steadies me upwards, I lean heavily against the shelves. Only for the man to pick up the tea which fell from my hand and place it in my basket.

"Stay there, okay?" And with that he carries my basket along with his to the till.

In that moment it hits me what have I done, god what if this stranger is creep? Why am I trusting him? But the fatigue intertwines with the wooziness I feel and the thoughts disappear, as the confusion lingers.

Minutes later he returns with two shopping bags swinging in his hands.

"Right, I`m either going to take you to a hospital or give you a lift home" He says gently.

I glare at him, hoping he leaves me alone, he`s kind and probably innocuous but I`ve heard the stories you don't jump into strangers cars not that the Dursley's taught me that.

"You can give me a lift" I answer reluctantly.

"Come on then", and with that his arm is thrown over my shoulders as he steadies me and this day just keeps getting more weird. I`d like nothing more than to shrug his arm off, but I'm not exactly physically able to stand without help. A loud noise escapes from his car key that hurts my ears increasing my tinnitus. I try to hide it but it seems he already saw it and the worry on his face already increases. He leads me to his car, opening the door and then gently helping me into his front seat, I mean he even does my seatbelt.

This is too much, like way to much and if it wasn't for my stupid body I wouldn't bloody be here.

"Did you hit your head?" He asks worriedly, as he inserts his key.

"No" I reply, the confusion clear in my voice.

"Oh, you just flinched away from noises, so I thought that perhaps, you might of hit your head, I would know. The amount of times I've hit my head, according to Arthur I`m the biggest klutz around which is lovely. Anyway that's beside the point" He rambles.

Great, just bloody amazing. He seems to have also picked up on my hearing problem and how am I going to solve this, if I say I haven't got anything wrong with me he`ll probably force me to the emergency room and then hello orphanage.

So, oddly enough I decide to tell him the truth, well a small part of it anyway.

"Er no, not exactly, I have a problem with my ears, so they`re constantly ringing and loud noises make it worse, sorry", I respond. as I focus on the floor of the car and not his face. I mean its awkward enough without me being bloody truthful.

"Oh, well that makes sense, anyway where do you live?" He asks, completely sweeping over it and for once I'm thankful, I hate being questioned about it and why I have it.

"4 Privet Drive" I reply with annoyance, not really at him but more at myself and how my body has decided to betray me.

He laughs quietly again, "I've just moved in right across from your house, at least it means I won`t have to drive far" he then proceeds to start up the car and with that he begins humming.

Halfway through the small journey he facepalms himself, interrupting his own humming.

"I can`t believe I don't even know your name, bloody hell what am I doing, I`m Merlin Emrys" He says.

This startles a laugh out of me for some reason, could this situation get any more bizarre.

"Harry" I reply, purposely leaving out my last name.

And two minutes later we have arrived, and with that the anxiety creeps in. Petunia is going to kill me- wait no, Vernon is going to kill me. And goodbye outside world and hello locked cupboard and no food.

He pulls his car key out and opens his door and then quickly walks around his car to open my door. He undoes my seatbelt and helps me out of the car. And instead of leading me across the street, he walks to his house.

I look up at Merlin, wondering what the hell he is doing.

"My husband Arthur knows quite a lot of first aid, it can`t hurt for him to take a look at you" he replies worriedly.

Anxiety settles into my stomach because this means they could find out, I mean the Dursleys treatment is written clearly on my body. It isn't very hard to find, no one has just ever taken the time to see. And then I'm pulled into their house. Could this day get any worse? No, probably not.

"Merlin, why on earth did it take you so long" A voice yells from somewhere upstairs I'm guessing.

"Arthur can you come downstairs?" He shouts back, as he puts his arm back around my shoulders and leads me to what I'm guessing is the living room and then I am taken to the couch. I do love it when my body betrays me and leaves me an invalid in front of someone I barely know. Footsteps sound from the stairs and a man walks through the living room, who I'm guessing is Arthur. His eyes land on me first and I look down, only glancing at his blonde hair and blue eyes for a moment. To be honest I'm quite done with observing.

Arthur looks at Merlin, his eyes begging for an explanation. Merlin gestures to go outside and Merlin quickly follows him, "I`ll be back in a moment Harry, would you like some tea? Never mind I`ll make you some".

And then I'm alone. In a new surrounding with a fragile body and an anxious mind but it seems that my body wins. As my eyes shut and I welcome sleep with arms too wide.

* * *

"Harry?"

I begrudgingly open my eyes to see Merlin sat next to me tapping my shoulder with a cup of tea clutched in his hand.

"Sorry, just Arthur needs to take a look and you need some tea, I added plenty of sugar which should according to Arthur help you feel less disorientated" He then places the tea down and pulls my body up, so I'm sitting again. And then Arthur walks in.

"Right, I`m Arthur and I`m not a doctor but my father is so I know the necessary basics and the first aid which I get taught in my job. Now is there any medical reason for your fainting?" He asks.

I shake my head softly trying not to disturb my ears.

"Do you know any reason for this to happen?" He inquires gently.

"Nope, I'm just tired, this is all really kind but I need to be going home, my aunt needs her shopping and I'm okay" and with that I push myself of the couch only for the dizziness to come straight back and I buckle to the floor. However, this time I don't crash to the ground, Arthur catches me and his hands grips my shoulder as he places me down on the couch.

"I think we should take you to the hospital" Merlin says for like the fifth time.

Arthur rolls up my sleeve and checks my pulse. And all I can hope is he doesn't the bruises up my arm. But he does. This is when the façade falls apart and everything snaps.

"What's this? How did you get this? Harry?" He asks worriedly.

"I fell down the stairs" I mumble.

He shares another look with Merlin.

"Is there a reason to why your arms are so skinny?" He asks.

Fucking awesome.

"High metabolism?" I reply back half heartedly, I'm too tired for these questions I just want to go to sleep.

He shakes his head, "Can I check your chest, I'm struggling to find a pulse point and I would like to make sure your breathing normally".

And before I can scream no get the hell away from me. My shirt is pulled up for the world to see and the evidence is written in the bruises on my body, the scars that dance freely and the ribs that stick out too visibly for it to be a high metabolism. The rooms grows silent and all I can hear is the constant ringing from my ears, and then Merlin leaves and Arthur stiffens but carries on. He rests his hand on my emaciated stomach as he checks my breathing and then he checks my heartbeat. After that he pulls my shirt down and his stoic face fills with anger as he kicks the box next to him, I flinch back and his face immediately becomes one of sadness. He picks up the cup of tea and passes it to me, as he sighs loudly.

"I`m going to have to the ring the police Harry, I`m sorry but I can`t allow you to return, this isn't right and you know that. Please drink your tea, god knows you need all the sugar you can get, there's no meat on you" and with that he heads to the kitchen as Merlin returns solemnly, with a sandwich on a plate in his hands.

"I thought you needed it. I`m so sorry Harry" He rests the plate down next to me.

"Drink your tea, Arthur thinks your fainting is caused by malnutrition, this should help you feel more steady, of course it won`t get you back to normal" He says quietly as he turns on the television.

I look down at the tea and raise it towards my mouth and I hope he doesn't notice the way my hands won`t stop shaking. It seems he does, but he seems to have found out everything about me in about two hours and its all because of my stupid body.

I reluctantly gulp the tea down, and oddly its quicker than normal the thirst seems to hit me more than usual, and I down the whole cup in twenty seconds. The shaking settles slightly and I feel more awake and less likely to fall asleep. Merlin looks at me in some bizarre amazement at my fast drinking skills. But whats even more odd is I`m still thirsty, but its not like I'm going to ask for a drink, god knows I've already troubled them enough.

Merlin, passes me the sandwich and then searches for something around the room, I look downwards at the sandwich and I want nothing more than to eat it. But what if this is all just a trick? Everything is already so hellish, they`ve found out about the- well the Dursley`s.

"Harry? Are you okay? you look cold" And with that he then wraps a blanket around me before I can say no. Everything feels so cosy and the tiredness hits and replaces the paranoia and distress and my eyes close once more.

Around half an hour later, a tap sounds on my shoulder and I awake with a flinch as I drop the sandwich that was in my hand.

"I`m so sorry, I didn't mean to drop it- I`ll clean it up, right now" I anxiously splutter, as I push my hands against the couch, only for Arthur`s strong hands to push me down.

"We know what happened the last time you did that Harry and don't worry about it, Lord knows that sandwich probably tasted awful, Merlin can`t cook so you did yourself a favour. Anyway, I've talked to the police and social services are going to visit the Dursley`s, in the meantime they`d just like to ask some questions and look at some of your injuries" he replies gently as he picks up the sandwich and disposes it, and then Merlin walks in along with two police officers, who thankfully both don't look anything like Vernon.

"We`d just like to ask a few questions, if that's alright, we understand its difficult but unfortunately we need to do this" the officer says "Right, who gave you the bruises and scars that Arthur mentioned on the phone".

I don't reply, I just look downwards in the hope that the couch will swallow me. I can`t do this but I`m too far in, I can`t lie anymore. A tear drips down my cheek as I whisper "My uncle, Vernon Dursley".

Merlin leaves whispering something about a pot of tea or coffee.

"Would you mind if we took some pictures, we need photographic evidence it would be used as proof for the case".

And ten minutes later, the questions, the photos and the pot of tea which I drank most of is gone. All that remains is the tears on my cheeks. The police officer asks to speak to Arthur outside and Merlin sits down beside, his fingers drawing patterns into my shoulder.

Arthur enters moments later, and the police officers leave.

"I really need to use the toilet" I ask quietly, as I can`t ignore my bladder any longer I shouldn't have drank four cups of tea. Arthur pulls me up from the couch, "Are you okay to walk? Or do you still feel woozy?" He asks.

"I`m okay" I answer and slowly leads me to the toilet his hand gripping my shoulder ever so slightly. He points to the bathroom and opens the door "If you feel faint, please call for me Harry, I know today has been hard and I can`t comprehend what you have been through but you`re safe now".

And with that I enter the bathroom, and I pee for way too long and as soon as I`m done I`m hit with thirst once more so I drink water from the tap, I really don't want to ask them for anything more. I look at myself in the mirror and in that moment I wish I could be someone else, anyone else, just someone who is more than me.

"Harry are you okay?", Arthur calls out, I wash my hands quickly and open the doors only to be met with Arthur and Merlin worryingly staring at me like I'm going to fall over at any moment.

"Right, well we have spoken to social services and the police and you are going to be staying with us, until they can arrange accommodation" Arthur says.

I nod, the information barely hitting me as I look at them with my eyes half open.

"You look as if you could fall asleep standing up" Merlin points out, Arthur looks at him in amusement.

"Do you think you can manage the stairs?" Arthur asks.

"Yes" I whisper and with that I head to the stairs my body lethargic and more than weak, it takes me three stairs before my knees buckle. Arthur grips me by the hips and lifts me up, and then he actually carries me up the stairs. Embarrassment fills my body but is quickly replaced with fatigue as my eyes struggle to stay open.

Merlin opens the door and oddly enough Arthur places me in the bed. As Merlin wraps the covers around me.

"If you feel ill, call us please, we`re only in the room next door" Merlin pleads as he looks at me with worry.

And as I sink into the duvet, its only then I realise that I'm not in a cupboard. That sounds odd but I`ve never slept in a proper bed just a camp bed in my cupboard. And yet its weird I miss my cupboard because there I felt like I didn't exist but here in this open room, I'm vulnerable and I don't feel physically well enough to fight some one off.

Sleep as always interrupts my loud mind and I sink into the pillows and duvet, and the only thing I hear is the ringing and slight hum in my ears.

 

 

 


	2. This is the way the world ends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Between the desire  
> And the spasm  
> Between the potency  
> And the existence  
> Between the essence  
> And the descent  
> Falls the Shadow  
> For Thine is the Kingdom  
> For Thine is  
> Life is  
> For Thine is the  
> …………………………………...  
> This is the way the world ends  
> This is the way the world ends  
> This is the way the world ends  
> Not with a bang but a whimper. - T.S Elliot, The Hollow Men

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. Thank you so much for the comments looking at you wanderlust :), the amount of kudos and the hits!, I honestly didn't think anyone would read this, so I'm super happy to find out people have been reading this. Writing this chapter was a joy, at the start I was in a mood so it`s a bit well dark but everything I write is dark. Anyway, I hope you like this chapter, if you do hit kudos, or leave a comment, or just read it to be honest :), sorry there is quite a bit of swearing in this.

The smell of food woke me up and that's a smell I don't think I've ever really woken up to, as it`s always me doing the cooking. So, instead the Dursley`s wake up to it, the other thing that woke me up was my bladder and the urge to pee, which as you can guess was lovely. So, after doing my business and getting way too much water from the tap which to be honest just resulted in my going to the toilet again. I head downstairs, and it seems the swaying has stopped I don't feel the most stable but I don't feel like a blow of air could knock me over, which is nice to say the least. At least I'm not a complete invalid. Complete being the important part.

This is just fucking weird. To know that in the course of twenty four hours my whole life has changed, the cupboard is no more, the Dursley`s are no more. But I'm not stupid enough or gullible enough to think that was the last time someone will hurt me because when you`re me, you know that you`re always going to hurt. People say pain is temporary but is it? When all you remember is being chased down by a belt, swats from a pan, hits in the stomach, broken fingers and hunger pangs. _If pain is temporary ,why does pain remain a killer?_

That well- isn't the point. The point is I`m scared, what's to say that Arthur and Merlin aren't different from the Dursley`s. Perhaps they seem `kind` but that can be a façade and the cracks from the painting will show and I`ll be where I always am. Alone, hurt and empty.

"Harry?" Merlin says, his eyes catching mine and looking downwards at where I have stopped on the stairs.

"Yes?" I question and finish walking down the stairs, my eyes following the floor and not his face, never their face ; Vernon never liked that and Petunia always told me to look down, no one wants to see my face.

"Are you okay?" He asks quietly, "are you still feeling faint, I know yesterday was hard but-"

"I`m fine, seriously" I mumble back and finish walking down the stairs.

"Where`s Arthur?" I question curiously.

"Working, some stupid mistake happened in his office so he was called in" Merlin says whilst putting the kettle on.

I nod my head, "anyway, school, what school do you go to? Obviously, you aren't going to school just yet you`ve been through a tough time" Merlin finishes making the tea and slowly pours the hot water in.

"Milk?" He asks.

"No thank you, and I went to the school in the next neighbourhood, I don't want to go back. I`m not doing it, nope" I repeat and sit down on the chair in front of me because I'm not going back to the place where everyone treated me like Dudley does.

I just want to go to sleep. It`s not my fault that the fatigue hasn't left, I'm still as tired as I was yesterday. I look upwards at Merlin and notice his startled face, I turn back, staring at the patterns on the table and the boxes filling the kitchen.

"Right, well- okay, is it the school that's an issue because they`re plenty of schools Harry and you don't have to go back" He finishes making the tea and sets it down in front me, whilst taking a seat himself.

"You mean I can move?" I ask wide eyed.

"Yes, we aren't going to force you do something you don't want to do" He says angrily, whilst adding sugar to his tea.

"Well then I`d like to move if that's alright" I say back cautiously because I'm not meant to ask for things and why am I so stupid, so fucking stupid, always so-

"Yes, of course, any preference?"

I shake my head and accept the tea in my hand, and then I proceed to add three teaspoons because sugar right now sounds perfect. I need to stay awake, I need to stop floating away. Humans aren't kites and I can`t fly away like Peter Pan.

"Right breakfast, what do you want?" He asks, his eyes wide with excitement as he examines the cupboards.

"I`m not hungry" I lie. To be honest I don't why I'm lying but food right now seems too much, too new and if I eat I will just want to go straight back to sleep.

He scoffs loudly under his breath, "and I have the best coordination skills" he says sarcastically.

"Eggs?"

I don't reply because what if this is a trick?, the Dursleys hardly let me eat and I`m okay. Still fricking here bitch. As always I block out the part of my head that brings up the fainting, the weakness, the fatigue, the never being able to stay warm and the nights spent shivering myself to sleep in the cupboard.

Because that doesn't really matter, people have been through worse.

"Right well, I`m making you eggs anyway, Uther said to make light meals and small ones as your stomach won`t be able to handle anything rich"

"Who`s Uther?" I ask.

"Arthur`s father, kind of scary when you meet him but really he is just a big teddy bear, kind of like Arthur if you think about it, once you rip off the layer of cockiness he is the biggest teddy bear, wait- don't tell him I told you, he keeps telling me to stop saying this to people" He rambles.

And seconds later a small plate of eggs is put before me and another cup of tea.

I down the cup of tea once more and reach for the jug of water before hesitatingly starting on the eggs.

I ignore how Merlin`s eyes are glued to me whilst eating and down another glass of water. Why am I so fucking thirsty? Its actually worrying.

I try the eggs and I eat slowly not wanting to awaken the earthquake that is my nervous stomach. God, I can`t remember the last time someone cooked me a meal, never mind the time I actually sat at the table and ate. This whole experience is odd, I'm not used to it, I mean clearly. But being cared for is weird, I feel almost guilty for allowing this to happen.

I should of just run, that`s what happens to people like me. But I have to remind myself that this is temporary, this arrangement with Merlin and Arthur is temporary. Someone caring is temporary. It always will be.

After eating around half the eggs I give up and instead drink like three cups of water ,which of course results in going to the bathroom and me still being thirsty. I don't know if this is something to be worried about but its probably just nothing.

"Are you done?" Merlin asks.

I nod my head and ignore the worried look. It seems like that's all I do these days.

* * *

A week oddly enough flies by and then Monday comes. Which means school. A new school and I`m starting to feel like it was a bad idea to go to a new school. I`m no where near confident enough to make friends, I don't even do friends. Dudley always enjoyed chasing them away and I well- I didn't piss Dudley off because that shit was like a butterfly effect. You piss off Dudley, Petunia is then pissed and then Vernon is pissed and then you`re dead and that I`d rather not be.

Good times as you can probably guess. And with a new school uniform, which is better than my old one and I'm still in shock that this uniform is new and not second-hand and I've thanked Merlin and Arthur too much anyway. The only embarrassing thing is my pant size is extra extra small, the equivalent of what a nine year old or ten year old would wear and I'm fourteen. So, that's awesome and you don't even want to know my top size or jacket size. And I have size three feet, so I`m winning as you can tell, you know what they say about small feet, they`re aunt didn't feed them enough, obviously.

And now, Arthur is driving me in his fancy car that he inherited from some rich dead uncle to school. Merlin gave me some iced tea and some money for lunch. After five minutes, we arrive and this is some fancy looking public school.

"Make sure you get some lunch Harry," Arthur reminds. I nod my head in some pathetic agreement because it is like he reads my mind.

Then I`m alone. Only not really, I`m surrounded by hundreds of strangers, I'm just glad Dudley doesn't go here. Luckily, it doesn't take me that long to find the reception.

The receptionist looks at me immediately and boy does she have beady eyes, almost like she can see through you.

"Yes?" She question dully.

"Er. I`m new, Harry Potter, do I have to collect a schedule-"

"Ah yes, the new boy, I`m Mrs Hooch and here`s your schedule and do you have any medical conditions or issues other than your tinnitus?" Mrs Hooch enquires, her eyes set on me. I look down at the floor instead.

"No" And then suddenly a schedule is passed my way.

"Right well if you just take a seat, you`re guide will be here in a minute or two" She points to the seats behind me and I quickly thank her as I take a seat.

And really, do I have to have a guide?, that's great. I love meeting new people- well that's a big bloody lie. Just as soon as I get my foot in an anxious tapping motion, the guide arrives, or who I'm guessing is the guide.

She has curly almost bushy hair and hazel eyes, she`s pretty I suppose but she seems quite intimating and I try and avoid that if I can, I got enough of that at the Dursley`s.

"Harry Potter I`m guessing?" She asks, her eyes scanning me up and down.

I nod my head in response.

"Right, well I`m Hermione Granger, where are you first?"

"Maths unfortunately" I reply because seriously why would any school put maths first, that really makes you wanna get out of bed in the morning.

She laughs at this and I breathe a sigh of relief because hopefully this won`t be awkward. I pass her my schedule and then we are walking and at a fast rate.

"So, you`re in my year right? Only you are quite small" Hermione observes.

Awesome, I knew it wouldn't take long before some picked up on my lack of height.

"Yes I`m guessing so, I`m fourteen-"

"Sorry, Ron always says I`m too blunt I should probably listen to him more"

I laugh quietly in response. "I`m in the same Maths class so don't worry, anyway, why are you moving so late in the year?" Hermione asks.

I knew someone was going to ask this question sooner or later, obviously I can`t say the truth, that I was removed from my so called relatives after someone found bruises and scars on my chest, so now I`m living with the couple across the street.

"I moved house" I reply, and its a half truth because I did move house but that's not really the reason why I moved.

"And we are here, the teacher McGonagall is quite strict so I`d try and not piss her off, she gives way too many detentions and you don't want to be stuck cleaning with Mr Filch" And with that I walk into a busy, loud classroom and all eyes are on me.

Their eyes are already probably picking up my lack of height, my awkward stance and shyness. Why are introductions and first impressions always so bloody awkward. I sit next to Hermione and ignore the eyes on my back. Right now, you can guess that I'm so regretting the decision to move school. The ginger guy next to Hermione perks up at my arrival and sets his eyes on me.

"I`m Ron and firstly I`d like to apologise to you for having `Mione to be your guide" Ron says.

Hermione blushes brightly and thumps Ron on the shoulder, "What can`t a guy joke these day"

"I`m Harry" I reply back.

"Nice to meet you, Harold" Ron jokes.

"Right back at you, Ronnie" And that comes out of my mouth before I can take it back and the embarrassment is replaced with amusement as Ron bursts out laughing.

"Mr Weasley, would you care to share what disrupted our lesson today" McGonagall asks, her eyebrows raising fiercely.

"NO" He screeches back, as he chokes back laughter, Hermione looks on disappointed but amused all the same.

After that the morning flies by, until we get to lunch which I don't dislike per say but I don't know anyone other than Ron and Hermione and I`m not used to eating food and lord knows what the school food is, and if my stomach can handle it.

Ron oddly shares a different opinion it seems he gets psyched up by lunch. Which I cant relate to, I never had a lunch to get psyched up for.

"I`m so hungry Harry" He moans clutching his stomach.

Where as I don't really get hungry, not well- since those days. So, I just fake a smile and laugh with him. Its strange having people ask for your opinions, wanting to know who you are.

The bells rings and Ron rushes out of his chair, I walk of course much slower.

"Come on Harry" He says as he slows down but only slightly.

"Are you sure you want to hang out with me at lunch?" I ask quietly because I don't really understand why.

He gives me an odd look and then laughs, "course Harry, we`re friends now" And that's that I suppose. I just never thought that anyone would ever say that I was their friend.

So, I follow him lost in the haze of confusion until we are then in the dinner queue, and Hermione of course is in front of us.

"How did you get here so fast" Ron asks with indignation.

Hermione winks and turns to me.

"Harry, how was your first morning?"

"It was alright, I mean the teachers are stricter than I'm used to and Snape`s a dick" I reply.

Ron laughs and nods whilst Hermione seems oddly pleased.

"I think Snape`s a vampire, He`s never outside in the daylight, and whenever someone goes never him with garlic he runs" Ron says whilst Hermione rolls her eyes.

"And how did you come to this conclusion?" Hermione asks her eyes shining with something I can`t quite distinguish.

"I may have been dared by the twins last year to chase Snape with garlic" He replies.

Hermione tutts and shakes her head like this is the usual thing to do.

"Ronald, you know better than to do what Fred and George tell you" She lectures.

"Who are Fred and George?" I ask confusedly.

"My brothers, big pain in the arse they are, although not as bad as perfect Percy"

"How many siblings do you have?" I question.

"Too many that's the answer Harry, the oldest is Bill and then it goes Charlie, Percy, Fred and George, Me and then there`s Ginny," Ron lists.

"Wow, you must never get a moment of quiet" I comment.

"Do you have siblings?" Ron asks in response.

My stomach drops, I do love talking about my depressing family life.

"No, just an only child"

And before anything can be said, Hermione joins in thankfully.

"Me too, although I do wish I had a younger sibling" Hermione says wistfully. Then we reach the end of the queue and Ron`s smile grows larger, "yes it`s pizza day, Harry you came on the best day" He says whilst piling pizza on a plate.

Hermione goes for the pizza as well. And I plate some weird vegetable option on to my plate, as it looks the most heathiest, which means it isn't probably covered in grease. I pay for my meal and then I follow Ron and Hermione to the table, which is full of what I'm guessing is their friendship group. More introductions.

I sit down beside Ron, as I eye the dish in front of me.

"This is Harry" Ron says between mouthfuls of pizza.

A boy, with mousy brown hair and shy expression, eyes meet mine, "I`m Neville," he introduces.

A girl sat next to Hermione, with pale blonde hair and an eccentric outfit, equipped with turnip earrings, smiles at me.

"That's Luna, and sat next to Neville is Dean, and next to Luna is Seamus, and that's well- it I suppose" He points out, and then a chorus of "hellos" meet me.

I pull out the iced tea, that Merlin made, and start on the vegetable pastry, I eye the table around me curiously and then I turn to Ron next to me, who has made quite a mess; granted he isn't as bad as Dudley. Luckily, no one so far has reminded me of Dudley. I need to stop thinking about the Dursley's, which is lets say easier said than done.

"Harry mate, is that all you`re having, I've got some pizza if you want it, mind you it hasn't got any meat on it" He asks, his eyes looking at my meal in disgrace.

"Trust me, this is more than enough but thanks" I smile at him and drink the entirety of the iced tea in around a minute, I have no idea why I am so bloody thirsty.

"That was bloody brilliant mate" Ron comments with wide eyes.

"What?" I ask confused.

"How fast you drank that" He explains.

I shrug, "I`m just thirsty to be honest".

* * *

After that the first day goes quickly, as does the second day but Wednesday night is the day where everything falls apart, that being me. School was alright, I drank five glasses of water at lunch and went to the toilet in every class, I fell asleep in half my classes which ended up with detention from Snape, but when I got to Merlin and Arthur`s everything went well- horse shit.

Merlin picked me up, in his tiny car and I fell asleep the whole journey home, the fatigue quickly catching up to me and I was to weak to ward it away.

"Harry" Merlin whispers attempting to disturb my sleep.

"What?" I sleepily mutter, pressing my head into the car door which isn't very comfy.

"We`re here, come on" and with that I sleepily make my way out of the car, my limbs half numb and my bladder feeling as if its going to explode. I attempt to run to the toilet and that fails but after I'm done, I wrap myself in blankets because I'm bloody freezing and drink Merlin`s tea and then another cup because I'm bloody thirsty, and I'm itchy for some stupid reason.

That's all the thinking I do before I fall asleep on the couch.

"He`s not well" A voice comments from afar, another voice quickly joins but sleep is all too loud.

"Harry" Is all I hear other than the ringing of course, before the tapping starts, hands pull me up into a sitting position that forces me to open my eyes.

I mumble some incoherent shit, and they both turn a pair of worried looks towards me but through the blurred vision and the fatigue I can barely care enough.

"I need toilet" I mutter but it comes out more slurred.

I pull myself off the couch, only to fall straight back down on the floor. Luckily, Arthur`s arms are there, I look up at him confusion dancing in my eyes.

"I`m oka-ay" I slur to him, he shakes his head with concern.

"You aren't, and please just let me help and stop being such a stubborn-" Merlin proceeds to give him a pointed look and then, Arthur`s hands are leading me to the toilet and I`m too weak to tell him to bugger off.

Way too bloody weak, I dread to think what Vernon would think. And then the world comes to a halt, a mixture of swirling colours and rainbows, then it all goes black and all that's left is ringing.


	3. flower the health of a thousand sick souls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hospital's oval door  
> where perfect tulips flower the health of a thousand sick souls  
> trembling inside hospital rooms- a segment from Hospital Window, Allen Ginsberg

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, I owe you all an apology I wrote this chapter weeks ago but its the start of the year and I now attend college and its not going great lets say and my results day stress left me unable to do this and I didn't have any time to edit, I know excuses, excuses. I`m sorry guys but I`m not abandoning this, I already love this story. The commenter who guessed, well half guessed, Harry does have diabetes but not insipidus, type one diabetes, extreme thirst and constant urination is actually a symptom of both! I don`t know everything about diabetes but I have read a lot of books on it and I`m hugely interested in biology, if any of it is wrong please tell me! TW- this chapter is quite dark, descriptions of panic attack and repression. The title is an Allen Ginsberg poem and its amazing, Ginsberg is an icon, he writes hilarious poems, political poems, gay and sexual poems. What more can you want? Give him a read. Anyway, if you liked this chapter give it a kudos, subscribe or review. I hope you enjoy and in this chapter Merlin doesn't make tea so you guys will have to make your own, sorry!

"Harry" A shaking voice repeats, again and again but the darkness in this moment is almost intoxicating and I am the intoxicated.

"Please" A small voice asks, the rumble of chaos grows louder, and I painfully open my eyes. Only for the blur of the brightness to make me close them soon again.

"Harry, oh god, Merlin he opened his eyes" Arthur shouts worriedly, I open my eyes again and it's only then I realise where my head is resting ,on Arthur`s lap of all places.

"Stay awake, the ambulance will be here in a few minutes" Arthur demands anxiously.

"No, I'm fine, no hos-spit-tal" I slur slowly, pressing my face deeper into Arthur`s trousers.

"This isn't a decision Harry, something is wrong with you" Arthur informs.

"Arthur, when they are coming?" Merlin questions as he kneads his hands together in disquietude.

"A few minutes, Merlin pack a bag for Harry will you?," Arthur replies, as he brushes a hair out of my face and I really just want to go to sleep but Arthur is intent on keeping me awake for some stupid reason. Merlin then proceeds to rush up stairs, as Arthur gets his phone out again.

"Harry, stay awake," Arthur says gently.

Merlin then rushes back down the stairs with a duffel bag clutched in his hands, I close my eyes hoping to go to sleep because in the long run who the fuck really cares. And then someone shakes me and I look up and see Merlin supporting me with Arthur presumably on the phone to Uther.

"What is hurting,?" Merlin asked calmly disguising his worry.

"My head, I just feel really weak and thirsty but that's probably not important" I slur back in confusion, why in this precise moment do I still need the toilet. Merlin looks at me and I think I can see the moment where his face drops, I can't help but remark on how utterly odd this all is.

Worry. I just don't think I`ll ever be able to comprehend why I`d ever be the source of someone's worrying.

"Maybe it is important," Merlin says wistfully.

And then the sound of sirens blanket the silent air and I feel almost guilty, for inconveniencing them. Arthur returns from the phone call looking more troubled than ever and I can't help but feel like this is the worst possible time to go back to sleep but my eyes want to close so badly.

And at least in the blackness I don't have the thought of `what the hell is wrong with me?`, I'm sure that is nothing is wrong with me after all. This is just one big inconvenience and everything will be fine.  Two paramedics come wandering into sight and in an instance I am lifted into a stretcher and the sound of medical words I don't recognise sends me to sleep as I go against the paramedics words as she tells me to keep my eyes open, sometimes the darkness is too tempting and I don't think I have the energy to fight anymore. _I`m too tired._

* * *

 

The sound of beeping wakes me up this time and I feel so very tired, it's  a struggle not to be pulled straight back into the darkness. The beeping continues steady and loud, I probably would find this annoying if I wasn't used to a constant noise but with the Tinnitus it oddly gave me the power to block out sounds i don't want to listen to. Very regretfully may I add I open my eyes but the brightness of the sun intertwining with the whiteness is too much for my eyes to handle.

Hesitatingly, I open my eyes moments later, and I`m in a hospital. A bloody hospital. I think I hate hospitals because of all the broken bones I have nursed here with Vernon breathing down my neck with his belt buckle as he threatens me to shut my mouth or else. Or that it's cold and clinical and well off putting.

I quickly examine the room, my eyes noticing the blurry figure of Arthur sat next to the bed and then the guilt hits. I don't like worry it makes me feel uncomfortable that someone spends their time, thinking of me? I just don't really understand. It just makes me feel anxious for doing something that causes people to know I exist.

I'm aware that sounds weird, but the Dursley`s favourite lesson was `pretend to not exist`, where they would lock me up in the cupboard and the Dursley`s would claim I didn't exist. Good times as you can see.

“Harry?” Arthur speaks.

I startle and flinch back, as I attempt to stop staring into space thinking about my pathetic childhood.

“Yes?” I slur weakly back, and then I notice how odd my voice sounds, it sounds weak and puny but I can't quite work up the energy to sound awake when all I want to do is go straight back to sleep.

He sighs quietly and a small smile that looks like he is trying to cover a grimace appears and then in an instance it disappears.

He leans over me and presses a button, “How do you feel?” Arthur asks worriedly his eyes fixed on what I'm sure is me looking `vulnerable`.

“Fine” I reply back as I notice the IV snaking around my hand and the pulse ox resting on my finger and well it doesn't look like I`m fine but I'm sure it's just a precaution, right…?

He shakes his head and looks downwards and the silence stretches.

“Harry you are not fine, this isn't the place for niceties and facades, look at yourself, don't you know that it's okay to not be fine? You can't help this” Arthur says quietly aloud his voice rising and then it all falls. Kind of like me I suppose.

I nod my head and I try and move myself upwards but my body feels as if it has been tied down to the earth and there is no string for me to cut.

I`m just so sluggish and weak and tired. And confused, I'm a lot of things really, a hurricane of emotions without ever being able to decipher what it is that I really feel.

Then my loud depressing thoughts are disturbed by an older looking stern doctor walk into the room and he looks worried. Which is weird within itself because all the doctors I've met are cold, they keep you at arms length and they well- let's say they don't ever look worried. Unless something is wrong, like terribly wrong.

“Right well this isn't the way I thought I was going to meet you but I'm Uther” He introduces.

Oh well I suppose that makes sense that Arthur took me to the hospital in which his father works in but I just didn't expect it all to happen so fast, I thought this was temporary and I guess I don't really want to get attached.

Arthur laughs until his Father gives him a look I can't quite distinguish but its serious. And then I guess I realise where I am, where we are and why we are here.

Ignorance isn't really bliss, not in the end.

“I don't really think there is any easy way to put this” Uther says awkwardly pausing as Arthur stares him down and yet if you look close enough you can see that his hands are shaking. And I don't really know how I feel about that.

“Harry when you came in you were having a hyperglycemia attack , luckily we got you in time before you went into ketoacidosis, although your blood sugar is still very high, which is why we are still continuing to monitor it and try our hardest to lower it" Uther rambles and I don't have a clue on what he is going on about.

But I think Arthur does as his face breaks and he drops his head until his palms cover it and that scared feeling comes straight back. And I cannot fly away, I think thats the saddest thing about reality, that we are stuck. And it's sad that I find myself jealous of a bird.

“I don't understand, what's wrong?”

Uther sighs loudly before saying “Harry, you have Type One Diabetes, otherwise known as mellitus”.

And then its my face breaking, my heart dropping and yet somehow, some fucking how, I still don't really understand. I thought only old people got diabetes, or well- obese people. Not kids, I never really had much sugar so how did this affect me?

“Are you sure?” Arthur asks meekly in denial.

“Quite, as he came in with a very high blood sugar level and when we gave him insulin it fell as it would with this certain illness, however, we do have to do an official diagnosis  where Harry would fast for eight hours and then we would check his blood sugar and if it was what we could abnormal than we can make the diagnosis, however the likelihood of it being normal is very small, as all his symptoms seem very textbook” Uther says and pauses whilst he stares at Arthur almost like he's trying to pick out the best words to say.

“You have already been fasting for around four hours since you have been unconscious so we should be able to take a blood sugar test in around four hours” Uther informs, as Arthur nods his head like he is trying to take it all in.

And I`m just blank. Empty and almost dazed, I don't really feel like any of this is real.

“There is another concern that presents itself, Harry`s body weight is extremely low and he is severely underweight for what we would expect a fourteen year old boy to weigh, so it looks like we will have to get some supplements into his diet and have to monitor it, until it reaches a rate where it isn`t so much a concern” Uther explains.

“Right, we have actually been having some problems with his diet so that's probably a good idea, do you know where Merlin got to Father?” Arthur asks with a grimace.

“I believe that Merlin has gone to pick up Morgana and get some change of clothes and toiletries” Uther replies and then with that and a short hug that he gives Arthur he disappears and all that we are left with is silence. I think that's kind of fitting really.

I'm tired of hospitals and whatever the hell is wrong with me. So, with that last thought, I turn my body away from Arthur from noise and rest my head on my pillow, until all I can see is blackness.

At least then I'm not as vulnerable or sick as they're acting that I am. I`m not an invalid. I`m not a burden. _Maybe, if i repeat it enough I won`t be._

* * *

 I open my eyes sometime later and although I feel better than I once did, I still feel like a small gust of wind could blow me over, which is fucking awesome and I'm missing school which isn't bad to be honest, however, its my first week of school so that will set a good impression.

“Harry” Is all that enters Merlin`s mouth, before I find myself with two arms wrapped around me. It's nice in a way I suppose I can't remember if i've ever been hugged.

After a long moment, Merlin pulls back and sits alongside the bed.  His eyes are rubbed red and he looks well- exhausted to say the least.

“Are you okay?” I ask quietly.

Merlin laughs and turns to me “I`m fine Harry, it's you I'm worried about”.

And then Arthur walks in and he looks as stressed as anything. And I'm just blank, I haven't had any time to process what is wrong with me.

“I've just gotten off the phone from social services” And it's at this point that my face falls, I knew this was temporary. I mean it makes sense, who would want to handle a sick and damaged kid that they barely knew. No one.

I'm not going to an orphanage that's not happening, I have had enough horror stories from Vernon and I can`t cope with anymore disappointment, I have had enough of dealing with it, I`m tired of being used to it, of expecting it. So, that only leaves me with one choice **run.** Run fast and far, I'm sure this sickness doesn't mean shit. Like I`m not old or overweight, I feel better and even Uther said it wasn't `official`. I`ll be alright, I always am I suppose. If I get through the Dursley`s, I can get through this, surely?

“I'm just going to the loo” I interrupt Arthur before he can say anymore, I don`t need him to voice out that he doesn't want me and neither does Merlin. That they didn't sign up for me or expect me to become ill and a nuisance. Because I already know that. I always have and its too much to expect it from people you barely know.

Arthur walks over to the bed and before I can jump out of the bed and go to the toilet, he is pretty much carrying me out of the bed and pushing the IV pole along with him, and yes I am still unfortunately tied to this machine. 

“Put me down, I'm fine” I tell him angrily because I`m not weak and I'm never going to see them again, I don't want their help . I don't need anybody's help, ever again. I won`t be weak, not anymore.

You see adults are inane, they have this whole notion of respect and that you have to obey them. I`m done with that shit, adults only ever seem to let me down and the only adults I ever wanted are dead. With that, I allow Arthur to help me to the bathroom reluctantly and as soon as he lets me go with a silly promise to call him if something happens.

Firstly, I lock the door as I don`t need anyone barging in on me. I`m getting out, of a hospital that only brings bad memories of him and people that don`t want me and I can`t blame them because well- no ever wanted me.

I`m like poison I kill everyone I love or make them turn away and hate me. And I have had enough of relying on people and being hurt by them. So, I pull the IV out of my wrist and I shakily walk to the toilet and stand on top of it and then I try my hardest to prise the window open. It`s only then I realise I`m wearing a hospital gown, I`ll have to steal some clothes if I don`t want to get caught. No, I don`t usually have to go to such extremes but hell this situation in itself is an extreme so I`m reacting extreme. I ignore the thought that fire and fire don`t go well together, all they ever seem to do is cause destruction and chaos.

I push the window harder, tugging on the lock and trying to keep my balance, even though I feel as clumsy as a new born giraffe. I force myself upwards by standing on the balls of my feet and this when the plan fails. Like badly. I slip, which if I`m honest I`m surprised it didn't happen sooner but the slip wasn't insignificant.I fall back, its only in the fall do i realise that my `break out` will be heard by them. And I don`t want to cause them anymore more pain, I`ve caused them enough pain. Then the fall ends and instead of crashing my head I put my arm down first to crash the fall. Bad idea, really bad idea. The snap of my arm breaking echoes through the tiny hospital bathroom. And the pain quickly follows. But I`m used to pain I suppose, panic though I`m not used to and that`s exactly how I feel. 

"Harry" someone screams distantly.

"Are you okay?"

I don`t respond, I don`t say anything because it didn't work and I`m such a fucking idiot. I rest my head onto side of the bath and I let go. Because things never go my way and now I`ll end up in the place i never wanted to go to , the orphanage, I suppose I could always break out there.

Fatigue hits me then and the dizziness of not only breaking an arm but the you know what, the thing that might be wrong with me.

_Fuck._

Something is wrong with me. I`m sick. _Unwell._ And all those feelings that were replaced with numbness and emptiness hit me at full force and I don`t know what to do. I don`t know what to do, the world grows fuzzy,I feel breaths grow short. Why aren`t I breathing? Oh god I can`t breathe. Why can`t I breathe?

My head keeps spinning. Mocking me internally and I know its real, that the sickness is happening to me, its affecting me. The lock turns, two rushing figures come in and in this precise moment I swear I feel like I`m _dying._ Tears sweep down my face and my heart feels like its about to burst and shoot through my chest and it won`t be like a shooting star it will be ugly, chaotic and it will land.

Someone keeps repeating breathe. My head keeps repeating `sick`.

I forget everything else.


	4. Then I defy you stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because they were roses and I was just a dandelion- Unknown.  
> Title- Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right, hi everyone sorry for the long wait I have been ill and studying a lot so time seems to have slipped away from me. If anyone wants to beta this fic for medical realism than comment below and as always comment if something I have researched isn`t quite right so I can edit it quickly. In this chapter, Merlin is making tea, Arthur`s been a knight and Harry is a constant flight risk like seriously. I hope you all like this chapter and if you did please leave a comment, kudos or bookmark it! And don`t forget t join Merlin and have a cup of tea whilst reading this, (sorry that`s its a short chapter) . I shall try and update sooner, have a lovely day guys!

"Harry, god, what have you done" Merlin whispers, as my head drops to his shoulder.

"Thought I`d make things easier" I reply softly, even though my breaths scream consternation.

"What easier?"

"Leaving" I mumble downheartedly, trying not to look down at my fucked up arm.

Merlin sighs loudly, "you weren't leaving Harry, what Arthur meant was that in the circumstances social services have let us foster you, so you're staying".

My heart feels as if it's falling from a tightrope and anxiety is pushing it off. Because why would they want me? Why would anyone want me? No one ever does and I`m tired of leaving, of running but I don't know what else to do. He's lying, Merlin is lying because I mean isn't obvious, I'm me.

"Why?" I whisper back I don`t understand.

Merlin just gives me a confused expression back, "What do you mean?".

“I'm a damaged kid, whose  been diagnosed with a disease that is never gonna leave, seems like a lot of work” I reply anxiously.

“Yes Harry it is hard work but none of that matters to us, we care about you now Harry and you just need to let someone care for you” Merlin says softly.

What? I mean come on who wants to care for me, let me tell you people only ever want to hurt me, starve me or pretend I don't exist.

`Caring` is a foreign word to me, it's not a word people think of when it comes to me.

“I don't need caring for, if you want you can just pretend I don't exist, that was the Dursley`s favourite game” I look up at him, perplexed at his responses in general.

I`m still waiting for Vernon to come out because it's predictable, I'm used to bruises and empty stomachs not hugs and food. And I don't know if I'll ever get used to it, I'm still waiting for the beatings to arrive, for my dinner to be taken away.

However, Merlin looks somewhat angered by my response. So, instinctively I flinch back and remove my head from his shoulder because now I've hurt someone else. Poison that's what I am and that's what I keep repeating to myself.

Until Merlin taps my shoulder lightly and his face is more solemn than angered.

“I'm not going to hurt you” He says gently, I scoff in response to this because that's what they all seem to say and then suddenly you're being pushed into cupboards and getting hit until you black out because they had a bad day and you were they`re punching bag. And well they hated you.

“Trust me and why would we want to pretend you don't exist, I'm so very happy Harry that you exist you know, and you might not like to admit but you need caring for Harry, there will be times when you will need extra care because of your-”

“Don`t” I interrupt. I don't want to admit that something is wrong with me, it's so easy pretending that everything is okay, that I'm okay even when the world seems to be collapsing all around you. I don't want to admit that anything is well-wrong because then the world fractures.

“Uther said there was a chance it wasn`t that, so everything is probably okay” I weakly respond. At this precise point Arthur walks into the room and he looks more upset than Merlin does. Which is shocking really because Merlin is one of most empathetic people I have ever met.

“I'm alright”  I try to reassure him.

He raises an eyebrow like he wants to utter `bullshit` but adults don't tend to swear to kids. I mean Vernon swore plenty around me but they were well I don't really want to bring up those memories he liked to play with my mind and Dudley liked to remind me of how I had no parents; like I could ever fucking forget.

It still plays out in my head, the  car crash the screams that won't ever leave, the screams I made and the silence followed by the ringing.

“Harry, we need to get someone to look at that” Arthur says worriedly looking at my arm as Merlin turns his head.

“No, its fine I just banged it” I reply back because I`m tired of causing worry.

He shakes his head and faces the floor and in this moment I wish the floor would swallow me up and wipe me off the surface.

“Anyway best get someone to check it out” Arthur makes a pointed look towards Merlin.

And with that I expect to rise and then walk to the bed but it seems like Arthur isn't allowing me to take that risk today. As he picks me from the waist and carries me back to the bed as Merlin slumps into the chair next to me and presses the button.

“You didn't need to carry me” I tell him, he laughs loudly and then a doctor comes around and my heart starts climbing once more, why do I always seen to find  a way to fuck everything up.

After five embarrassing minutes of questions like how did you break your arm? And other pointless questions. I get taken to X-ray which is a momentous occasion let me tell you and then half an hour later my arm is wrapped in a blue cast. It wasn't the best break either, apparently my bones are especially brittle so I have to be really careful. Thanks Petunia for fucking up my health and Vernon for just well fucking me up I suppose.

So, now Merlin and Arthur are going to be even more careful and over protective with me. If I was anyone else I'd probably say it was annoying having someone dote on you constantly but its not that, it makes me feel uncomfortable, to put it bluntly I don't feel like I`m worth their worry.

Then everything really gets shit. As the test results come back. _Positive._ And denial seems like such a beautiful word. Because when you're faced with something so ugly, so scary who doesn't want to run? But my feet seem stuck to the ground. All I want to do is fly away from all this constant barrage of shit. And Merlin and Arthur don't even look shocked. And positive is such an ugly word. The irony when positive means a rain of negativity on your life. And then after that its people after people coming to my room demonstrating the right ways to inject insulin, how to test your blood sugar, what to do in a low or a high. Let me tell you now, I'm lost. I have no idea what any of this means and its information after even more information.

And Merlin and Arthur seem suck up the information with greed, grasping everything they can. Pretty much they do the opposite of me.

Then finally I can leave. But the illness well that follows oddly enough.

“Harry? Come on” Merlin half shouts and Arthur is walking along with a bag way too full. And I'm already exhausted from the small walk to the car from the hospital.

Do you want to know the only positive about this thing? I don't need the toilet every single second and I don't down water like someone in the middle of a desert who stumbled upon an oasis. And do you know who still has his hand on my shoulder? Bloody Arthur, he acts like a gallant knight have the time. Then we arrive to the car and I sink into the seat and I'm just glad I'm not in the hospital being poked and prodded every two seconds by someone I have never met and then being injected by them. But unfortunately that's not going to leave. I already love having a chronic illness, as you can so clearly tell.

I wish I could forget it, I wish I could run so far away from this, I wish for anything but this. Because I can't fucking handle it okay? I`m weak, pathetic and now I`m sick. God really exists in my world, I must of really pissed him off in my last life or something.

“Harry? Are you okay?” Arthur asks as he starts up the car and I rest my head along the window.

“Tired, when do we get to yours?” I ask weakly because I really am tired, hospitals wear me, my blood sugar seems to wear me out.

Merlin sighs loudly and that instantly means it's not that easy.

“We aren't going home just yet. We have to go the chemist to get your prescriptions and so on Harry” Merlin answers.

Great. Bloody awesome, I get to hang out in a chemist and be constantly reminded by my sickness, what ever more could I wish for. Five minutes later we arrive, I`m half sluggish, half dead, probably mostly dead if I'm honest.

“Can I stay in the car?” I ask quietly, wanting nothing more than to sleep the day away and I don't even care if I do it in Arthur`s Audi.

“Sorry Harry but you do actually need to know about this stuff” Arthur says and with that the door is opened by nothing more than his majesty, Arthur who is making me stay awake. I grumble under my breath and Arthur to my surprise actually undoes my seat belt and helps me out of the car, I swear he thinks I`m an invalid or an elderly dude. The stress of life is probably going to make me look elderly at this rate. Then again I do have a broken arm and it took me like five minutes to attempt it on the way there until Merlin went and did but that's not the point. I suppose I should appreciate it but I feel like their care is going to someone who doesn't deserve it.

And guess what? The hand stays on my shoulder and I'd never admit it to him but I'm glad it's there because I really do feel exhausted and ready to sleep anywhere, I mean I`d sleep outside at this rate. Not that I haven't done that already. I did actually sleep on the streets once, Vernon was well- really angry and it was different I mean I feared for my life more in that moment than any other and Petunia just pushed me out of the house and told me to come back when I don't anger him so much. I came back three days later from sleeping against the dumpsters and alleyways and shivering myself to sleep and it's funny because I felt safer in those alleyways than I ever will in that house because that house was hell, it was everything I hated and the idea of calling it `home` makes me sick to my stomach.

I don't have a home and you know I don't think I`ll ever have home. As much as I do like Arthur and Merlin, I know the facade is going to slip and they'll realise my worth. Everyone does and then maybe I`ll run and no one will stop me this time, I swear on that. I mean I've already packed an emergency back in case I need to get out in a hurry.

But that's the future, the present consists of me being pushed around a chemist as Merlin and Arthur discuss insulin with the pharmacist. And the basket soon becomes full of stuff like glucose strips, glucose tablets, a glucose monitor, a blue carrying case I mean I got to pick out the colour I liked. Then a liquid kit ended up in the basket. And that's just the glucose stuff. Oh and don't forget the supplement stuff because a bunch of ensure drinks and weight gain shit enters the basket, it looks like they're trying to turn me into Dudley or something.

I had to get different kinds of insulin to go with my treatment, the types to be honest I have no idea what they are, as I spent half the time repressing anything and everything I could. And then you have to get needles and shit for the insulin obviously, anyway the basket was full of things I didn't want to need and in that moment as I looked into the basket scratching my broken arm because casts are fucking irritating I realised.

 _I`m sick_. Fuck. I`m actually _sick_. And I have to try really hard in that moment to push the tears away because I feel like I'm moments away from imploding.

Then we were done after buying glucagon shot kits and insulin pens and I was away from it and yet I wasn't because I was taking it all back to Merlin and Arthur`s house, so I can't really avoid it. And I apologised so many times in the chemist for the cost of everything and the feeling of being a burden never seems to away, it seems to increase by tenfold and it feels like its suffocating me. 

I fall asleep on the journey on the premise that at least if I'm asleep I can't cry. Arthur stops the car and minutes later I'm wrapped in a blanket on the sofa. And the only positive right now is that I'm warm.

Merlin enters the living room with some chamomile tea this time, I swear to god if he met the world's biggest megalomaniac he'd sit them down first for a spot tea and try and talk it out.

“Here, are you hungry? Do you want to try an ensure drink or something? Are you warm enough?” Merlin rambles on.

“I'm fine” I whisper back tiredly.

“We need to check your blood sugar anyway and you need to have your insulin” Merlin goes on and then he disappears only to come back with a bag of what I like to call `reminders`.

He checks my blood sugar first which he says is relatively normal, I mean when I look at the number all I see is a number to be honest but numbers for diabetes seem to be if anything too significant.

And then the insulin is measured out and injected into my upper arm, I haven't really done the whole thing myself and the broken arm seems to be a positive, as it means I won't have to do it for  while. He leaves the pen in for ten seconds and then pulls it out and it's not the nicest thing to watch, I honestly can't really comprehend how quickly they seem to have come accustomed to this because I don't really understand any of it.

And then it's tea and I'm sat around the table eating a small portion of chicken and steamed vegetables and some potato that I can't really name. I`m half playing with it and half eating it or just making it look like I`ve done so.

I mean I`m not really hungry. Which I find kinda ironic because I've spent most of my life in agonising hunger pains and then as soon as I get food my body likes to reject and I suppose I've grown used to not eating to ignoring the hunger signals. I spend most of the meal not eating with Merlin and Arthur looking at me worriedly. I end up eating around half of it, to their request and then comes the dreaded ensure drink. In banana flavour which is awesome, I love drinking calorie supplements because your old family left you malnourished.

I chug half of it and then end up sipping the rest, it tastes unpleasant and the fake taste of banana milkshake seems to add to it and then half an hour later I`m watching the television with my eyes half open. I fall asleep and everything seems a lot less terrifying when all you can see is dreams. Because life always seems to be a nightmare.

  
  
  
  



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